Friday, May 21, 2010

Nobody Wins

I have varying degrees of both faith and inside knowledge that a chapter in the book of my life will be closed soon.  I have been eagerly waiting for our mail carrier everyday this week in hopes that paperwork that will arrive that will be the sign of 'The End'.  Or at least the 'Beginning of The End'.

This has been going on for about 4-1/2 years.  Though, if I allowed myself to be honest with myself, I could precisely mark the beginning as July 31, 2002.  But I really don't want to be honest with myself right now. 

I have been on the fringes of involvement of this for the past few years.  Not in the center of it, not on the outside.  Just knowing enough to be dangerous.  Or to really upset me.  Mostly upset me.

I know that this situation has had an affect on quite a few people.  I can't possibly be the only one who has lain awake during the night going over and over everything in the dark.  Hoping, praying, going down the  "if only I would have..." road.

I already had a mental thought of a blog post about this titled 'Nobody Wins'.  Because in gauging what both Randy and I have gone through over the years with this, and knowing the emotional roller coaster that we have been on, that all consuming feeling has got to be multiplied greatly for a lot of people who are more directly involved than I am.  

Yesterday, I heard that a person who was pretty much the center of this has passed away.  I don't know if it is a fact or a rumor.  I don't know how or why.  But it makes me think that if it is true, he's gone at a time where all this could have been put behind him.

While he wasn't a friend to me, he was, however, more than just a co-worker.  We spent a huge amount of time trying to sort through and get answers for some really strange and crazy circumstances.  And we laughed.  Oh my, we laughed.  We had to.  It was the only way to stay somewhat sane.

Whether it is true or not, today I will pray for him.  I pray that where ever he is, he is truly at peace now.

~ Dorothy

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